Doing it Old School

I've mentioned before (I think) that I have no idea why I have the urge to write, but there it is. I've tried forcing myself to write and I've tried just letting it happen. One has made me resent my desire to write, and the other has come to nothing. Interestingly, there's been a common denominator since I started writing again: it's all been done on a computer. I don't know why that would have anything to do with my desire to write, but I'm thinking of experimenting with the idea. So I've dug out my old notebook full of my horrible poetry and my old notebook barely scribbled in with scene and plot ideas. I plan on taking time to sit down with one or the other and just write. I have a lot of both my best and worst memories writing in those books. But in spite of the memory, I can say without equivocation that I felt creative and that I was actually doing something meaningful. Meaningful to me, if no one else. So it's pen and paper from now on. Not saying I'm gonna stop blogging, but I just won't force myself to do it like I have in the past. I will, however, post most if not all of the results of this experiment if for no other purpose than posterity.

Hopefully...

I really don't know why I do this blogging thing anymore. Sure, I've got a problem, and I used to blog about my problems. But I honestly don't feel like doing it...and yet I do. Or at least I think I do. Anyway, I'm having to shell out nearly $600 so I can be all legal to sell my RAV4. I'm paying that chunk of money to my lawyer because, after talking about it with my parents and my bestest buds, I decided that if I had any contact with my ex-wife, it would lead to bad bad things. Just thinking about my ex-wife gives me thoughts of violence. So *shrug* I'm paying my lawyer to get this thing done for me. It sucks that I have to pay so much, but then again, I might be able to get some of that back if things go better than planned....which I'm honestly not expecting. I'm just hoping that getting this thing behind me won't go above those two hours. That's right, my lawyer costs $295 an hour. I'm not sure what lawyers cost on average, but when you make $12 an hour, $295 an hour seems incredibly steep. For the past week, I've been really down, and it's because of this bullshit. On one hand, I'm glad that this depression has an actual non-chemical cause. On the other hand, it is not fair that I have to have this depression at all. I'm just trying to do the right thing and keep myself out of trouble. It sucks and I hate it and I've put it off long enough. So this morning I sent my lawyer an e-mail and told her that I would pay her rate. I just hope this actually ends anything and everything that has to do with my ex-wife. I thought I was done five years ago, but I'm not. Hopefully, this will end it. Hopefully....

Laundry! Huzzah!

Sunday is generally my laundry day. On that day, I do one load at a time (that's what she said) and it takes nearly all day for me to do the entirety of my laundry, so I have some time to find something to do. Usually I stay up in my room and watch movies on Netflix. Though the last couple of times I've been watching comedy specials. Right now I'm watching "Pablo Francisco: Bits & Pieces". I've seen 90% of this material already in other specials, but his impersonations of ethnic stereotypes still make me laugh every time. Also, he's really good at sound effects. He's like the Mexican Michael Winslow....or something like that. I actually enjoy these days quite a bit. They're some of the most relaxing days I have. Doing laundry is not rocket science, though I'm never quite sure I'm doing it right all the time (that's what she said). In any case, nothing is expected of me the whole day (usually) and I do what I want... which is pretty much nothing at all. Usually I just lie in bed and watch Netflix...which I mentioned earlier. It's relaxing and I often fall asleep before the movie finishes. Unless the movie is fucking awesome, like "Bronson". I was awake the whole time even though I was extremely relaxed. I was actually paying full attention, which is a huge accomplishment for me. It's the small victories in life. *nods*  I'm often amazed that I open up this blog window with the full intention of doing some idea and being really in-depth and meaningful. But I seem to write about the mundane bullshit in my life. But you know what? I love my life right now. And I like a lot of what I do with my life. So blogging about it is somewhat enjoyable for me. I fully blame watching "Doogie Howser" during my impressionable and formative years. Maybe if I play the music that always accompanied the end segment of the show I'd be as profound as that fucker. And maybe not.

I Don't Know What to Title This But It's About My House-wanting Adventure(s)...Sort Of

I'm saving up for a house and it's becoming increasingly clear what my limits are financially, and what my limits are to what "fixer-upper" means to me. I can actually afford some really nice houses right at this very moment (any sort of down payment notwithstanding), but they would pretty much rob me of that whole "comfort" thing I'm so adamant about having. Also, I would be freaking the fuck out every month as the various bills came in that I may or may not have been able to pay. I realized this pretty early on when I started thinking about buying a home. Not that it factored into my thinking when I actually looked at houses online. On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, I've looked at some houses that need some serious work. By the way, I probably should mention that when I say "looked at", I mean "I saw a house online and a couple of buddies and I went to look at the exteriors of some houses." Moving on... Even the houses I liked were in some rather sketchy neighborhoods. So I'm now constantly re-evaluating what it is I want in a house and where I want that house to be based on what I can find on the market. I'm doing far more math scenarios than I have in a long time. I don't think anyone realizes just how much I hate math and I hate doing math to figure this shit out but it's a necessary evil. I am facing this demon head-on, and I will fucking kick its ass until I can make it completely un-exist!....or something like that. I'm not completely set on where I should live yet. But I do know that right now, there's really only one house I've seen that I think I'd want to live in....I should probably look INSIDE houses before I make the real decision though, don't you think? *nods*

How I View My Job

I'm sitting here, watching "How I Met Your Mother", feeling rather ambivalent to the show. It has moments, but it's not really funny. I think my blood pressure is getting high again. I haven't slept well in days, and I'm pretty sure that my work environment is a contributing factor to it. When everything goes as it should, my job actually makes me happy, and I actually like it. As it is, I often have to put up with a lot of BS and the laziness of my co-workers. I'm not saying I'm the perfect employee, but I've definitely got a good work ethic. I try to do my job, and everyday I hope that my coworkers will do their own jobs so I can leave them alone and they can leave me alone. Even when everything goes perfectly and I'm loving my job, I do not ever WANT to be there. I would much rather be doing other things. But as it stands, I have to work to live, so I do. I try not to complain about my job at my job. I save that shit for here on this blog. Lately, though, I've been letting my boss know that some things that have been bothering me. He acknowledges them....and more or less does nothing about them. And that's actually okay with me. Early on, I recognized that my boss is not the best boss, but he's a good guy who just wants to get along with everyone. I can understand that and I don't begrudge my boss that. I just wish he was more boss-like. Still, I'm happy to be employed right now. The fact of the matter is, I really would put up with so much more bullshit as long as it meant that I kept my employment and those paychecks keep rolling in. I feel damn fortunate that I've got this steady employment that has finally enabled me to save up money for a house. Me. Saving to buy a house. Holy fucking dog shit, dude....

It's Nice

I almost didn't blog today, even though I really wanted to. I find that to be an odd, but very real, feeling. I suppose you could call that complex, but that sort of thing hurts my brain, so I'll thank you to keep that shit to yourself. I think I really wanted to blog about this certain thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately because I've think I've been getting too much sleep. So I'm doing this to keep myself up a little longer. It probably won't have much of an effect, but it's worth a shot. Maybe soon I'll get around to blogging about that idea I have. Probably not, but it's nice to think about. Nice to think about? Huh. I often find myself in a situation where I'm thinking to myself, this is nice. Nothing spectacular is happening but nothing horrible is happening. It's just nice. Nice: it's highly underrated. I have a nice life. It's not spectacular and it's not special, but it's mine and it does not suck. I suppose I'm content that it doesn't suck so I think it's nice. My life is satisfying to me. It could be more satisfying, but it's been less satisfying in the past, so I figure this is a win for now. I feel like I keep saying the same goddamn thing over and over again, so I'm just going to stop here. I used to be semi-competent when it came to blogging, but I really think this particular blog is terrible. Still, I'm glad I wrote it and that's good enough for me. It's nice.