Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Ever-changing Reality of Why I Am an Agnostic
Nothing in this life is certain. Of that, I am certain. I was once convinced I was going to be a big-shot Hollywood director, only to find that film-making is actually quite boring and tedious, and working with that many people at one time is a horrible experience. I once believed I could read people's personalities pretty well, only to find myself married to a crazy bipolar person I couldn't get a proper read on even when she was lucid. I used to believe Jesus of Nazareth was my personal lord and savior, and then I found out about these little things called paranoid-schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur. I used to believe fantasy books were outside of my realm of enjoyment, only to find myself almost finished with the seventh book in a 13-book fantasy series, seeming to enjoy every book more than the last. What I'm vaguely getting at is, the whole "older and wiser" thing may actually have some validity. It certainly doesn't mean I know everything. All it means is I know more now than I did when I was younger. I've learned a lot about myself over the years. And I'm only now learning about these walking fleshy things around me some guy deemed "humans". I'm beginning to realize that my own proclivities for anything and everything are truly shared only by a certain group of people, while other proclivities are shared by other certain groups of people. I think the endgame for humanity is when we finally understand one another. That's a very very long time from now. Then again, it may never happen. I'm basing this idea on what I see before me in the world today at this moment. Chances are, I'm going to change my view with the times. I like to think that I adjust my worldview constantly. I'm given information on any number of subjects every day, so why shouldn't my worldview change? That is why I am an Agnostic.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Truth, Relatively Speaking
Is it possible for someone to be too honest? I used to think that it wasn't. Now, I'm not so sure. In general, women say they want a guy who is honest and upfront with them. I may not be the most honest person on the planet, but I know that I'm far more honest than many people. So, why is a ravishing hobo such as myself finding himself sans woman? Well, there's the whole "not going outside and mingling" thing. Then again, I found my last two girlfriends on the interwebs. So maybe going out into the big scary world these days is not so much a requirement to find love. It wouldn't hurt, but it does require pants, and fuck pants. I don't do that shit unless I have to.
It may come as a surprise to no one that I currently have profiles on two free dating sites. I would try the dating pay sites, but that requires money and feels almost like prostitution (not an entirely undesirable option at this point, really) and I'm all about the free stuff. Granted, my chances of finding a match would probably increase exponentially if I paid for it, but again, it's not my style. I'm a cheap bastard like that.
On both sites, my profile is full of lots of words and truths. Some truths are far from flattering. I admit that I'm hairy, sweaty, obscene, lazy, and generally strange. Those in and of themselves aren't necessarily dealbreakers, but they just might be when it's all there in the introduction to me. But I'm rather convinced those aren't the reasons I haven't gotten a response from a woman in months. The reason above all others, I believe, is that I state that I live with my parents after having gone through a divorce. Even I, a rather honest guy, considered that to be TOO honest. And yet, it's right there in my profile, for all to see. Ever since I put that in my profile, I've considered and re-considered deleting that. But it's still there.
Recently, a few friends have suggested that maybe I ought to put that I live at home because I am taking care of my elderly father. At its most basic essence, this is completely false. But when I stand back and look at the big picture, the claim becomes truth. My father is far from an invalid, but he's in his early 70s now, so he's no spry little fucker any longer. In some more or less involuntary ways, I AM taking care of him. My friends claim that, since my dad is as much of a social retard as I am, my presence in the house alone, even if I'm always up in my room and nowhere near my father, makes him happy. I CAN see that, but that doesn't really scream "taking care of my elderly father".
But then there's days like today where I went with him to go grocery shopping. I pushed the cart, while my dad filled it with the necessary foodstuffs. Again, not so much a big deal. However, when we got to the checkout line, I started unloading the cart and my dad said to me, "I'm gonna let you unload the cart from now on. It's easier on me if you do." Again, not a big thing, but given what he said, it has made it more obvious to me that maybe I'm not literally wiping his ass and changing his diapers and feeding and clothing him, but I'm doing the small things for him right now. It's as if I'm being trained to help not just him, but my mother, who works hard all day. By helping her husband maintain things, I'm helping her as well. I read over what I just wrote, and it still seems like bullshit, but it also seems kinda true. Again, it's that whole "not true, but becoming true" thing.
I'm not saying that I'm "doomed" to be my father's nursemaid-person-guy until he knocks off. I'm saying that I DO help him when he needs and wants it. It's not often that he needs or wants help right now, but the future may be a different story. I'm saying that maybe I need to not look at a situation so coldly and basically. I'm saying that maybe I COULD put in my profile that I live with my parents to help take care of my elderly father because I do, even if it's in mostly inconsequential ways for the time being.
Then again, I could just be rationalizing to make myself feel better about not having a full-time job and a place of my own, like I'd like to have.
It may come as a surprise to no one that I currently have profiles on two free dating sites. I would try the dating pay sites, but that requires money and feels almost like prostitution (not an entirely undesirable option at this point, really) and I'm all about the free stuff. Granted, my chances of finding a match would probably increase exponentially if I paid for it, but again, it's not my style. I'm a cheap bastard like that.
On both sites, my profile is full of lots of words and truths. Some truths are far from flattering. I admit that I'm hairy, sweaty, obscene, lazy, and generally strange. Those in and of themselves aren't necessarily dealbreakers, but they just might be when it's all there in the introduction to me. But I'm rather convinced those aren't the reasons I haven't gotten a response from a woman in months. The reason above all others, I believe, is that I state that I live with my parents after having gone through a divorce. Even I, a rather honest guy, considered that to be TOO honest. And yet, it's right there in my profile, for all to see. Ever since I put that in my profile, I've considered and re-considered deleting that. But it's still there.
Recently, a few friends have suggested that maybe I ought to put that I live at home because I am taking care of my elderly father. At its most basic essence, this is completely false. But when I stand back and look at the big picture, the claim becomes truth. My father is far from an invalid, but he's in his early 70s now, so he's no spry little fucker any longer. In some more or less involuntary ways, I AM taking care of him. My friends claim that, since my dad is as much of a social retard as I am, my presence in the house alone, even if I'm always up in my room and nowhere near my father, makes him happy. I CAN see that, but that doesn't really scream "taking care of my elderly father".
But then there's days like today where I went with him to go grocery shopping. I pushed the cart, while my dad filled it with the necessary foodstuffs. Again, not so much a big deal. However, when we got to the checkout line, I started unloading the cart and my dad said to me, "I'm gonna let you unload the cart from now on. It's easier on me if you do." Again, not a big thing, but given what he said, it has made it more obvious to me that maybe I'm not literally wiping his ass and changing his diapers and feeding and clothing him, but I'm doing the small things for him right now. It's as if I'm being trained to help not just him, but my mother, who works hard all day. By helping her husband maintain things, I'm helping her as well. I read over what I just wrote, and it still seems like bullshit, but it also seems kinda true. Again, it's that whole "not true, but becoming true" thing.
I'm not saying that I'm "doomed" to be my father's nursemaid-person-guy until he knocks off. I'm saying that I DO help him when he needs and wants it. It's not often that he needs or wants help right now, but the future may be a different story. I'm saying that maybe I need to not look at a situation so coldly and basically. I'm saying that maybe I COULD put in my profile that I live with my parents to help take care of my elderly father because I do, even if it's in mostly inconsequential ways for the time being.
Then again, I could just be rationalizing to make myself feel better about not having a full-time job and a place of my own, like I'd like to have.
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