A Post in Which I Begin Chipping Away at My Fear

Until I come up with something better, I'm going to do this: I'm going to write one sentence every day, until a story develops to conclusion. Good or bad, whether it makes sense or not, I am going to write SOMETHING. And I'm not going to limit myself. If I think of another sentence or two beyond the mandatory one, then all the better. So here it goes:

He walked through the door not realizing he was about to die.

The Great List of Why I Want to Write and Why I Don't

Why I Want to Write
-Based on my experience with poetry and blogging, it seems to provide better therapy for me than anything.

-No matter how many times I tell myself I'm through with writing, I seem to come back to wanting to write again and again.

-I think I have something to say and something to add.

-It makes me mad that I don't write.

-I am under the possible delusion that if I actually DO write, I will be successful at it.

-I have thoughts.

-I have these ideas that I think would make good stories, all it would take would be to write it down.

-Writing seems to be the only thing in my life which I am absolutely committed to getting perfect the first time, every time....which is why I never write. I need to write, to get over my fear of writing. And it NEEDS to be terrible at the start.

-I often feel so inspired by the works of others, it seems like a waste to not write.

-It's the only thing I'm good at. I've got nothing else going for me but writing.

-I've picked up books with plots I think are awesome, only to be disappointed by them because they didn't live up to their own story.

-I believe I can do just as good, if not better, as many writers today.

-I believe writing to be the only thing going for me that will fulfill not just my perceived desires and dreams, but also the ACTUAL desires and dreams I may not realize yet.

-The tools for writing are cheap, damn near free at worst.

-It is the best way I know how to communicate.


What I Think Keeps Me From Writing
-It has to be perfect the first time, every time. Intellectually, I know this to be virtually impossible, but the thought that my words aren't fucking golden the first time around, that I would have to edit and revise is just nuts to me.

-A childhood event where I wrote the opening scene of a story that was very very graphic and vulgar (at least, considering my age at the time) and my mother found out about it and more or less instilled a deep fear in me that what I write needs to be acceptable to everyone and offensive to no one. I have never in my life been acceptable or inoffensive to everyone. I have always been a thorn in someone's side, one way or another. So, I don't write because I know I will offend someone and/or no one will like it, so why bother in the first place? I hate that I blame my mother, but it's where the blame lies whether I want it to or not. It happened, it's the truth.

-Energy. I don't have lots of it in the first place, and writing definitely takes it out of me rather quickly because I seem utterly incapable of not infusing lots of very deep personal emotions in what I write.

-Stress. Sure, I am a single male with no children or pets, but I work full-time, and with my low-energy and uncertainty about whether or not I can take care of myself now that I'm living on my own ON TOP OF my diagnosed stress disorder (even though medicated) can lead to me being very tired after a day's work.

-I'm one person out of 7 billion or so on this planet. Who would give a fuck what I have to say? Really give a fuck? This is most likely the thing that keeps me from writing the least. But it's still there.

-I want to write scary stories, but I'm probably the least scary person on the planet. Not only that, but I look for the humor or the less-scary in scary stories, so my ideas are always softened by that.

-Writing probably won't become a full-time job for me for a very, very long time, if at all. And I've never been good at keeping with things when I think they're a waste of time.

Insanity Sufficient

Believe it or not, I actually have been writing some in recent weeks. Okay, so maybe "writing" isn't the correct word to use. "Outlining" is more like it. It's a new approach for me, where I just come up with ideas and write the general actions of a scene or, in the case of what I'm writing now, strip. I've got about 15 outlines of strips that I really need to get to work on the dialogue for, but this whole outlining thing is so awesome and new and fresh that, when I allow my mind to wander and ponder and brainstorm, I can't stop myself long enough to flesh any one idea out. But in the last couple of weeks, I've kind of hit a wall again, and I've been trying to get back into it all, but it hasn't been happening. That is, until I realized what was missing. I overheard one of the pharmacists at the pharmacy I work at use the phrase "Quantity Sufficient".QS is a pharmacy phrase that means "a quantity of an ingredient or product needed to bring up a volume or weight of the preparation to a final amount as it is indicated in the prescription; also refers to a determination of an adequate supply of medicine to fulfill either a prescribed amount or a sufficient quantity to provide treatment over a specified time frame." It's when I heard that phrase used that I had my "Eureka!" moment. What has been missing from my outlines, what would flesh them out more is a good ol' dose of insanity! But not just any ol' insanity (just the dose is ol') would do. It had to be sufficient for my needs. What I write has to be insane and insanely entertaining.

And naturally, I haven't yet utilized my new-found motto. Baby steps, though. That's the name of the game with me. I think of something, then I stare at it for far too long. If it still interests me by then, I do something with it. If it doesn't.....then I don't. But "Insanity Sufficient" has me so jazzed about writing that I'm tempted to get it engraved in stone or put on a plaque or something like that.... if I had the money to do something like that.

Doing it Old School

I've mentioned before (I think) that I have no idea why I have the urge to write, but there it is. I've tried forcing myself to write and I've tried just letting it happen. One has made me resent my desire to write, and the other has come to nothing. Interestingly, there's been a common denominator since I started writing again: it's all been done on a computer. I don't know why that would have anything to do with my desire to write, but I'm thinking of experimenting with the idea. So I've dug out my old notebook full of my horrible poetry and my old notebook barely scribbled in with scene and plot ideas. I plan on taking time to sit down with one or the other and just write. I have a lot of both my best and worst memories writing in those books. But in spite of the memory, I can say without equivocation that I felt creative and that I was actually doing something meaningful. Meaningful to me, if no one else. So it's pen and paper from now on. Not saying I'm gonna stop blogging, but I just won't force myself to do it like I have in the past. I will, however, post most if not all of the results of this experiment if for no other purpose than posterity.

Hopefully...

I really don't know why I do this blogging thing anymore. Sure, I've got a problem, and I used to blog about my problems. But I honestly don't feel like doing it...and yet I do. Or at least I think I do. Anyway, I'm having to shell out nearly $600 so I can be all legal to sell my RAV4. I'm paying that chunk of money to my lawyer because, after talking about it with my parents and my bestest buds, I decided that if I had any contact with my ex-wife, it would lead to bad bad things. Just thinking about my ex-wife gives me thoughts of violence. So *shrug* I'm paying my lawyer to get this thing done for me. It sucks that I have to pay so much, but then again, I might be able to get some of that back if things go better than planned....which I'm honestly not expecting. I'm just hoping that getting this thing behind me won't go above those two hours. That's right, my lawyer costs $295 an hour. I'm not sure what lawyers cost on average, but when you make $12 an hour, $295 an hour seems incredibly steep. For the past week, I've been really down, and it's because of this bullshit. On one hand, I'm glad that this depression has an actual non-chemical cause. On the other hand, it is not fair that I have to have this depression at all. I'm just trying to do the right thing and keep myself out of trouble. It sucks and I hate it and I've put it off long enough. So this morning I sent my lawyer an e-mail and told her that I would pay her rate. I just hope this actually ends anything and everything that has to do with my ex-wife. I thought I was done five years ago, but I'm not. Hopefully, this will end it. Hopefully....

Laundry! Huzzah!

Sunday is generally my laundry day. On that day, I do one load at a time (that's what she said) and it takes nearly all day for me to do the entirety of my laundry, so I have some time to find something to do. Usually I stay up in my room and watch movies on Netflix. Though the last couple of times I've been watching comedy specials. Right now I'm watching "Pablo Francisco: Bits & Pieces". I've seen 90% of this material already in other specials, but his impersonations of ethnic stereotypes still make me laugh every time. Also, he's really good at sound effects. He's like the Mexican Michael Winslow....or something like that. I actually enjoy these days quite a bit. They're some of the most relaxing days I have. Doing laundry is not rocket science, though I'm never quite sure I'm doing it right all the time (that's what she said). In any case, nothing is expected of me the whole day (usually) and I do what I want... which is pretty much nothing at all. Usually I just lie in bed and watch Netflix...which I mentioned earlier. It's relaxing and I often fall asleep before the movie finishes. Unless the movie is fucking awesome, like "Bronson". I was awake the whole time even though I was extremely relaxed. I was actually paying full attention, which is a huge accomplishment for me. It's the small victories in life. *nods*  I'm often amazed that I open up this blog window with the full intention of doing some idea and being really in-depth and meaningful. But I seem to write about the mundane bullshit in my life. But you know what? I love my life right now. And I like a lot of what I do with my life. So blogging about it is somewhat enjoyable for me. I fully blame watching "Doogie Howser" during my impressionable and formative years. Maybe if I play the music that always accompanied the end segment of the show I'd be as profound as that fucker. And maybe not.

I Don't Know What to Title This But It's About My House-wanting Adventure(s)...Sort Of

I'm saving up for a house and it's becoming increasingly clear what my limits are financially, and what my limits are to what "fixer-upper" means to me. I can actually afford some really nice houses right at this very moment (any sort of down payment notwithstanding), but they would pretty much rob me of that whole "comfort" thing I'm so adamant about having. Also, I would be freaking the fuck out every month as the various bills came in that I may or may not have been able to pay. I realized this pretty early on when I started thinking about buying a home. Not that it factored into my thinking when I actually looked at houses online. On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, I've looked at some houses that need some serious work. By the way, I probably should mention that when I say "looked at", I mean "I saw a house online and a couple of buddies and I went to look at the exteriors of some houses." Moving on... Even the houses I liked were in some rather sketchy neighborhoods. So I'm now constantly re-evaluating what it is I want in a house and where I want that house to be based on what I can find on the market. I'm doing far more math scenarios than I have in a long time. I don't think anyone realizes just how much I hate math and I hate doing math to figure this shit out but it's a necessary evil. I am facing this demon head-on, and I will fucking kick its ass until I can make it completely un-exist!....or something like that. I'm not completely set on where I should live yet. But I do know that right now, there's really only one house I've seen that I think I'd want to live in....I should probably look INSIDE houses before I make the real decision though, don't you think? *nods*